MACE, n.
A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a
heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading
from dissent.
MACHINATION, n.
The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open
and honorable efforts to do the right thing.
MACROBIAN, n.
One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History is
abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr,
but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A
Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that
he had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal
peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so
old that he could remember a time when he did not deserve
hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, England, declared
that he had lived five hundred years, and that in all that time
he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity
(macrobiosis) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew
is old enough to know better. The editor of The
American, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that
goes back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact.
The President of the United States was born so long ago that many
of the friends of his youth have risen to high political and
military preferment without the assistance of personal merit.
MAD adj.
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not
conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by
the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the
majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are
pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves
are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious)
lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is
any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to
the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him
to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands
against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah
Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless
spectators.
MAGDALENE, n.
An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This
definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary of
Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by
St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of
Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is
pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly
sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam
for Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the
greatest of revisers.
MAGIC, n.
An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other
arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet
lexicographer does not name them.
MAGNET, n.
Something acted upon by magnetism.
MAGNETISM, n.
Something acting upon a magnet.The two definitions immediately
foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent
scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white
light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
MAGNIFICENT adj.
Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the
spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or
the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.
MAGNITUDE, n.
Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is large and
nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased in
bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it
was before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others
would be larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar
with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and
masses of the astronomer would be no more impressive than those
of the microscopist. For anything we know to the contrary, the
visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its
component ions, floating in the life- fluid (luminiferous ether)
of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the
corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion
when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to
another.
MAGPIE, n.
A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
MAIDEN, n.
A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct
and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever
found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor
(without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear,
though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the
rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is audible,
bleating out of the field by the canary-- which, also, is more
portable.
MAJESTY, n.
The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by
the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great
Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable
orders of republican America.
MALE, n.
A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The
genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
MALEFACTOR, n.
The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
MALTHUSIAN adj.
Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in
artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be
done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the
Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous
soldiers have been of the same way of thinking.
MAMMALIA, n.pl.
A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state
of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened
put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
MAMMON, n.
The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in
the holy city of New York.
MAN, n.
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to
infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.
MANES, n.
The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a
state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had
exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been
particularly happy afterward.
MANICHEISM, n.
The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between
Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined
the victorious Opposition.
MANNA, n.
A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness.
When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and
tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of
the original occupants.
MARRIAGE, n.
The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a
mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
MARTYR, n.
One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired
death.
MATERIAL adj.
Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary
one. Important.
MAUSOLEUM, n.
The final and funniest folly of the rich.
MAYONNAISE, n.
One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state
religion.
ME , pro.
The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in
English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and
the oppressive. Each is all three.
MEANDER, n.
To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name
of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which
turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the
Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.
MEDAL, n.
A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, attainments or
services more or less authentic.It is related of Bismark, who had
been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person,
that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: "I save
lives sometimes." And sometimes he didn't.
MEDICINE, n.
A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.
MEEKNESS, n.
Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth
while.
MEERSCHAUM, n.
(Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made
of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it
brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen
engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been
disclosed by the manufacturers.
MENDACIOUS adj.
Addicted to rhetoric.
MERCHANT, n.
One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one
in which the thing pursued is a dollar.
MERCY, n.
An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
MESMERISM, n.
Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked
Incredulity to dinner.
METROPOLIS, n.
A stronghold of provincialism.
MILLENNIUM, n.
The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed
down, with all reformers on the under side.
MIND, n.
A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief
activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,
the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has
nothing but itself to know itself with. From the Latin
mens, a fact unknown to that honest shoe- seller, who,
observing that his learned competitor over the way had displayed
the motto "Mens conscia recti," emblazoned his own front
with the words "Men's, women's and children's conscia
recti."
MINE adj.
Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
MINISTER, n.
An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In
diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible
embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal
qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that
of an ambassador.
MINOR adj.
Less objectionable.
MIRACLE, n.
An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as
beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and
a king.
MISCREANT, n.
A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the
word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be
regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of
our language.
MISDEMEANOR, n.
An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and
constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal
society.
MISERICORDE, n.
A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier
to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.
MISFORTUNE, n.
The kind of fortune that never misses.
MISS, n.
The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs. ) and Mister (Mr. ) are
the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in
sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of
Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our
country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have
them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I
venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
MOLECULE, n.
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of
the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular
and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation
of precipitation of matter from ether-- whose existence is
proved by the condensation of precipitation. The present trend of
scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs
from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an
ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they
know any more about the matter than the others.
MONAD, n.
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See
Molecule.)
According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be
understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without
manifestation-- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of
considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe,
which the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a
gentlmean. Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and
possibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher
of the first class-- altogether a very capable little fellow. He
is not to be confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its
inability to discern him, a good microscope shows him to be of an
entirely distinct species.
MONARCH, n.
A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the
derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had
occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has still
a considerable influence in public affairs and in the disposition
of the human head, but in western Europe political administration
is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being somewhat
preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his own
head.
MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT,
n.
Government.
MONDAY, n.
In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
MONEY, n.
A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part
with it.
MONKEY, n.
An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical
trees.
MONOSYLLABIC adj.
Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never
tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by
appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon-- that is
to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and
incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and
emotions.
MONSIGNOR, n.
A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our
religion overlooked the advantages.
MONUMENT, n.
A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs
no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.The monument custom
has its reductiones ad absurdum in monuments "to the
unknown dead"-- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the
memory of those who have left no memory.
MORAL adj.
Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the
quality of general expediency.
MORE adj.
The comparative degree of too much.
MOUSE, n.
An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome
Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in
Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female
heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak- Zotp, the historian, the
only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that
these martyrs met their death with little dignity and much
exertion. He even attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the
malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women
perished, some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling
over their own feet, and some from lack of restoratives. The
mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of the chase with
composure. But if "Roman history is nine- tenths lying," we can
hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical figure in
the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to a
lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue.
MOUSQUETAIRE, n.
A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But
"mousquetaire" is a poor way to spell muskeeter.
MOUTH, n.
In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the
heart.
MUGWUMP, n.
In politics one afflicted with self- respect and addicted to the
vice of independence. A term of contempt.
MULATTO, n.
A child of two races, ashamed of both.
MULTITUDE, n.
A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a
republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a
multitude of consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If
many men of equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of
them, it must be that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the
mere act of getting together. Whence comes it? Obviously from
nowhere-- as well say that a range of mountains is higher than
the single mountains composing it. A multitude is as wise as its
wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no wiser than its
most foolish.
MUMMY, n.
An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern
civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art
with an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in
gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man
from the lower animals.
MUSTANG, n.
An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the
American wife of an English nobleman.
MYRMIDON, n.
A follower of Achilles-- particularly when he didn't lead.
MYTHOLOGY, n.
The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin,
early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.