CAABA, n.
A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the
patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had
perhaps asked the archangel for bread.
CABBAGE, n.
A familiar kitchen- garden vegetable about as large and wise as a
man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who
on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council
of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry
and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's
measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely
announced that several members of the High Council had been
beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.
CALAMITY, n.
A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the
affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are
of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to
others.
CALLOUS, adj.
Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting
another.
CALUMNUS, n.
A graduate of the School for Scandal.
CAMEL, n.
A quadruped (Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to
show business. There are two kinds of camels-- the camel proper
and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always
exhibited.
CANNIBAL, n.
A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes
and adheres to the natural diet of the pre- pork period.
CANNON, n.
An instrument employed in the rectification of national
boundaries.
CANONICALS, n.
The motley worn by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.
CAPITAL, n.
The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the
pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the
anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the
disgrace before meat.
Capital Punishment, n.
a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many
worthy persons-- including all the assassins-- entertain grave
misgivings.
CARMELITE, n.
A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.
CARNIVOROUS, adj.
Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian,
his heirs and assigns.
CARTESIAN, adj.
Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the
celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_-- whereby he was pleased to
suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The
dictum might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo
cogito sum_-- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I
am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet
made.
CAT, n.
A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature as consolation
for when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
CAVILER, n.
A critic of our own work.
CEMETERY, n.
An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write
at a target and stone- cutters spell for a wager.
CENTAUR, n.
One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor
had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who
followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse."
The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of
the horse added the fleetness of man.
CERBERUS, n.
The watch- dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance--
against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody,
sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off
the entrance.
CHILDHOOD, n.
The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of
infancy and the folly of youth-- two removes from the sin of
manhood and three from the remorse of age.
CHRISTIAN, n.
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One
who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
CIRCUS, n.
A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see
men, women and children acting the fool.
CLAIRVOYANT, n.
A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a
blockhead.
CLARIONET, n.
An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his
ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet-- two clarionets.
CLERGYMAN, n.
A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as
a method to better his temporal ones.
CLIO, n.
One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over
history-- which she did with great dignity, many of the
prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the
meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other
popular speakers.
CLOCK, n.
A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for
the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
CLOSE- FISTED, adj.
Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons
wish to obtain.
COENOBITE, n.
A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of
wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood
of awful examples.
COMFORT, n.
A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's
uneasiness.
COMMENDATION, n.
The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do
not equal, our own.
COMMERCE, n.
A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C,
and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging
to E.
COMMONWEALTH, n.
An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude
of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.
COMPROMISE, n.
Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each
adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought
not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly
his due.
COMPULSION, n.
The eloquence of power.
CONDOLE, v.i.
To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.
CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.
One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to
C.
CONGRATULATION, n.
The civility of envy.
CONGRESS, n.
A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
CONNOISSEUR, n.
A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing
about anything else.
CONSERVATIVE, n.
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
CONSOLATION, n.
The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than
yourself.
CONSUL, n.
In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an
office from the people is given one by the Administration on
condition that he leave the country.
CONSULT, v.i.
To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided
on.
CONTEMPT, n.
The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable
safely to be opposed.
CONTROVERSY, n.
A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious
cannon- ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
CONVENT, n.
A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate
upon the vice of idleness.
CONVERSATION, n.
A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each
exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares
to observe those of his neighbor.
CORONATION, n.
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
dynamite bomb.
CORPORAL, n.
A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder.
CORPORATION, n.
An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without
individual responsibility.
CORSAIR, n.
A politician of the seas.
COURT FOOL, n.
The plaintiff.
COWARD, n.
One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
CRAYFISH, n.
A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.
CREDITOR, n.
One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits
and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
CREMONA, n.
A high- priced violin made in Connecticut.
CRITIC, n.
A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
CROSS, n.
An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its
significance to the most solemn event in the history of
Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of years.
We have to- day the White Cross as a symbol of chastity,
and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war.
CUI BONO? [Latin]
What good would that do me?
CUNNING, n.
The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from a
strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and
great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The
furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses."
CUPID, n.
The so- called god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous
fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its
deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is
the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing
sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of
passion to the wounds of an arrow-- of introducing this pudgy
homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and
suggestion of the work-- this is eminently worthy of the age
that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep of prosperity.
CURIOSITY, n.
An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know
whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the
most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
CURSE, v.t.
Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap- stick. This is an
operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is
commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a
cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the
rates of life insurance.
CYNIC, n.
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.