T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."
TABLE D'HOTE, n.
A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for
irresponsibility.
TAIL, n.
The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural
limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its
own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a
privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy
consciousness by the coat- skirt of the male and the train of the
female, and by a marked tendency to ornament that part of his
attire where the tail should be, and indubitably once was. This
tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in whom
the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed men
described by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a
product of an imagination unusually susceptible to influences
generated in the golden age of our pithecan past.
TAKE, v.t.
To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
TALK, v.t.
To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse
without purpose.
TARIFF, n.
A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic
producer against the greed of his consumer.
TECHNICALITY, n.
In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the
other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted
by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the
words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of
the cook, that being only an inference.
TEDIUM, n.
Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many
fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high
an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very
obvious source-- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn
Te Deum
Laudamus. In this apparently natural derivation there is
something that saddens.
TEETOTALER, n.
One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes
tolerably totally.
TELEPHONE, n.
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages
of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
TELESCOPE, n.
A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the
telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with
a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a
bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
TENACITY, n.
A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin
of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of
authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career
in politics.
THEOSOPHY, n.
An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all
the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with the
Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this
earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long
enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single
lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we
choose to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good-- that
is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keen- sighted as to have
observed that everything desirous of improvement eventually
attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to
except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were
last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was
the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat.
TOMB, n.
The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent
invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long
tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle
them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a
tomb may be innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done
"smellynge," the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable
view is now generally accepted by archaeologists, whereby the
noble science of Curiosity has been greatly dignified.
TOPE, v.
To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the
individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations
are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted
against the hard- drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go
down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand
beef- eating and brandy- and-soda guzzling Britons held in
subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of
the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky- loving
American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions!
From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of
western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been
the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are
observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore
the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from the
American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the
nation's military power.
TREE, n.
A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal
apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees
bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally
fruited, the tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an
important factor in public morals. Its fruit, though not eaten,
is agreeable to the public taste and, though not exported,
profitable to the general welfare.?
TRIAL, n.
A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the
blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to
effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the
person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the
accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person
is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous
gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of
their worth.
TRICHINOSIS, n.
The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.
TRINITY, n.
In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three
entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate
deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are
not dowered with the power of combination, and must urge
individually their clames to adoration and propitiation. The
Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy
religion. In rejecting it because it is incomprehensible,
Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theological
fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not
understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine
that contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe
the former as a part of the latter.
TROGLODYTE, n.
Specifically, a cave- dweller of the paleolithic period, after
the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes
dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of
"every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt,
and every one that was discontented"-- in brief, all the
Socialists of Judah.
TRUCE, n.
Friendship.
TRUTH, n.
An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery
of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most
ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of
existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
TRUTHFUL adj.
Dumb and illiterate.
TRUST, n.
In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater
part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in
the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar
malefactors and public enemies.
TURKEY, n.
A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious
anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and
gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.
TWICE, adv.
Once too often.
TYPE, n.
Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and
enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable
dictionary.
TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n.
An African insect (Glossina morsitans) whose bite is
commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for
insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American
novelist (Mendax interminabilis).