RABBLE, n.
In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered
by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh,
of Arabian fable-- omnipotent on condition that it do nothing.
(The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our
tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")
RACK, n.
An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading
devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call
to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy,
and is now held in light popular esteem.
RANK, n.
Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.
RANSOM, n.
The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor
can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of
investments.
RAPACITY, n.
Providence without industry. The thrift of power.
RAREBIT, n.
A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out
that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained
that the comestible known as toad- in-a- hole is really not a toad,
and that riz- de-veau a la financiere is not the smile of
a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker.
RASCAL, n.
A fool considered under another aspect.
RASCALITY, n.
Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.
RASH adj.
Insensible to the value of our advice.
RATIONAL adj.
Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and
reflection.
RATTLESNAKE, n.
Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans.
REACH, n.
The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it
is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to
provide.
READING, n.
The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists,
as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and
humor in slang.
RADICALISM, n.
The conservatism of to- morrow injected into the affairs of
to- day.
RADIUM, n.
A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a
scientist is a fool with.
RAILROAD, n.
The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away
from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose
the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it
permits him to make the transit with great expedition.
RAMSHACKLE adj.
Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as
the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United
States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier
architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White
House in Washington are Theo- Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the
Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a
brick.
REALISM, n.
The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm
suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a
measuring- worm.
REALITY, n.
The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the
cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.
REALLY, adv.
Apparently.
REAR, n.
In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that
is nearest to Congress.
REASON, v.i.
To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
REASON, n.
Propensitate of prejudice.
REASONABLE adj.
Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to
persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
REBEL, n.
A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.
RECOLLECT, v.
To recall with additions something not previously known.
RECONCILIATION, n.
A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of
digging up the dead.
RECONSIDER, v.
To seek a justification for a decision already made.
RECOUNT, n.
In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the
player against whom they are loaded.
RECREATION, n.
A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.
RECRUIT, n.
A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from
a soldier by his gait.
RECTOR, n.
In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial
Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.
REDEMPTION, n.
Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through
their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine
of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion,
and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting
life in which to try to understand it.
REDRESS, n.
Reparation without satisfaction.Among the Anglo- Saxon a subject
conceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving
his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a
switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The
latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured
moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch.
REDUNDANT adj.
Superfluous; needless; de trop.
The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant
To prove this unbelieving dog redundant."
To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,
Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive."
Habeeb Suleiman
Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen.
Theodore Roosevelt
REFERENDUM, n.
A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote
to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
REFLECTION, n.
An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our
relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the
perils that we shall not again encounter.
REFORM, v.
A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to
reformation.
REFUGE, n.
Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and Joshua
provided six cities of refuge-- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh,
Schekem and Hebron-- to which one who had taken life
inadvertently could flee when hunted by relatives of the
deceased. This admirable expedient supplied him with wholesome
exercise and enabled them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase;
whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately honored by
observations akin to the funeral games of early Greece.
REFUSAL, n.
Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand in
marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to
a rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent
king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a
descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the
refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal
feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal
assentive.
RELIGION, n.
A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature
of the Unknowable.
RELIQUARY, n.
A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true
cross, short- ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the
lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth.
Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to
prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at
unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the
Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so
tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed
with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the
"Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral
surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by
its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of
doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the diocesan that the
offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and
replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.
RENOWN, n.
A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame-- a little
more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than
the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and
inconsiderate hand.
REPARATION, n.
Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the
satisfaction felt in committing it.
REPARTEE, n.
Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a
constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to
offend.
REPENTANCE, n.
The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually
manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with
continuity of sin.
REPLICA, n.
A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the
original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which
is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill
the replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more
beautiful than it looks.
REPORTER, n.
A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
tempest of words.
REPOSE, v.i.
To cease from troubling.
REPRESENTATIVE, n.
In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world,
and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.
REPROBATION, n.
In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned.
The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it
was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that
although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined
to salvation.
REPUBLIC, n.
A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed
being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an
optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of public order
is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from
ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had
to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations
between the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither
they lead.
REQUIEM, n.
A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the winds
sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of
providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.
RESIDENT adj.
Unable to leave.
RESIGN, v.t.
To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage
for a greater advantage.
RESOLUTE adj.
Obstinate in a course that we approve.
RESPECTABILITY, n.
The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a
bank account.
RESPIRATOR, n.
An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of
London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to
the lungs.
RESPITE, n.
A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to
enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have
been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the
continuity of a disagreeable expectation.
RESPLENDENT adj.
Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or
affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental
unit of a parade.
RESPOND, v.i.
To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having
inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external
coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve,
responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in
damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's
attorney and, incidentally, to the gratification of the
plaintiff.
RESPONSIBILITY, n.
A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God,
Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology
it was customary to unload it upon a star.
RESTITUTIONS, n.
The founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by
gift or bequest.
RESTITUTOR, n.
Benefactor; philanthropist.
RETALIATION, n.
The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law.
RETRIBUTION, n.
A rain of fire- and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and
such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting
them.
REVEILLE, n.
A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no more,
but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the American
army it is ingeniously called "rev- e-lee," and to that
pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their
misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.
REVELATION, n.
A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he
knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know
nothing.
REVERENCE, n.
The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.
REVOLUTION, n.
In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the rule
of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare
and happiness of the people were advanced a full half- inch.
Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of
blood, but are accounted worth it-- this appraisement being made
by beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed.
The French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist
of to- day; when he pulls the string actuating its bones its
gestures are inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected
of fomenting law and order.
RHADOMANCER, n.
One who uses a divining- rod in prospecting for precious metals
in the pocket of a fool.
RIBALDRY, n.
Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
RIBROASTER, n.
Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word is
of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a
fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers
of the fifteenth century-- commonly, indeed, regarded as the
founder of the Fastidiotic School.
RICE- WATER, n.
A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists
and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the
conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and
lethargine, and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the
Dismal Swamp.
RICH adj.
Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the
indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the
luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where
the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and
candid advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good
and wise.
RIDICULE, n.
Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered
is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who
utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident.
Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth--
a ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has
undergone centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular
acceptance. What, for example, has been more valorously derided
than the doctrine of Infant Respectability?
RIGHT, n.
Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be
a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have
measles, and the like.
RIGHTEOUSNESS, n.
A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles
inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble
attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into
several European countries, but it appears to have been
imperfectly expounded.
RIME, n.
Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The
verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull.
Usually (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."
RIMER, n.
A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.
RIOT, n.
A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
bystanders.
R.I.P.
A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace,
attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the
learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing
more than reductus in pulvis.
RITE, n.
A religious or semi- religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or
custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed
out of it.
RITUALISM, n.
A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom,
keeping off the grass.
ROAD, n.
A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too
tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
ROBBER, n.
A candid man of affairs.It is related of Voltaire that one night
he and some traveling companion lodged at a wayside inn. The
surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to
tell robber stories in turn. "Once there was a Farmer- General of
the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to
continue. "That," he said, "is the story."
ROMANCE, n.
Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They
Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to
probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching- post, but in
romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the
imagination-- free, lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your
novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might say-- a mere
reporter. He may invent his characters and plot, but he must not
imagine anything taking place that might not occur, albeit his
entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard
condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a lengthening
chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick volumes
without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black
profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great
novels, for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write
them, but it remains true that far and away the most fascinating
fiction that we have is "The Thousand and One Nights."
ROPE, n.
An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too
are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's
whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex
electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this
is rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the
preachment.
ROSTRUM, n.
In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America,
a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds
the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
ROUNDHEAD, n.
A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English civil war--
so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas
his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points
of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the
fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists
because the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to
let his hair grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who
were mostly barbers and soap- boilers, deemed an injury to trade,
and the royal neck was therefore the object of their particular
indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair
all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient
strife smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British
civility.
RUBBISH, n.
Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies,
literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the
regions lying due south from Boreaplas.
RUIN, v.
To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the
virtue of maids.
RUM, n.
Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total
abstainers.
RUMOR, n.
A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
RUSSIAN, n.
A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar
Emetic.