HABEAS CORPUS
A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when
confined for the wrong crime.
HABIT, n.
A shackle for the free.
HADES, n.
The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live.
Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our
Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in
a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves
were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris.
HAG, n.
An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes
called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were
called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind
of baleful lumination or nimbus- hag being the popular name of that
peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time
hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag,
all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not
now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag- that compliment is
reserved for the use of her grandchildren.
HALF, n.
One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or
considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion
arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience
could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father
Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would
demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and
unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the
body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the
negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a
viper.
HALO, n.
Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body,
but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a
somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head- dress by divinities and
saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture
in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred
as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,
or the Pope's tiara.
HAND, n.
A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
HANDKERCHIEF, n.
A small square of silk or linen, used in various
ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals
to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent
invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties
to the sleeve.
HANGMAN, n.
An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest
dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a
populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States
his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,
where executions by electricity have recently been ordered- the
first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the
expediency of hanging Jerseymen.
HAPPINESS, n.
An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
HARANGUE, n.
A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.
HARBOR, n.
A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed
to the fury of the customs.
HARMONISTS, n.
A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from
Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for
the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
HASH, x.
There is no definition for this word- nobody knows what hash is.
HATCHET, n.
A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
HATRED, n.
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
HEARSE, n.
Death's baby- carriage.
HEART, n.
An automatic, muscular blood- pump. Figuratively, this
useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments- a
very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once
universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions
reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of
the gastric fluid.
HEATHEN, n.
A benighted creature who has the folly to worship
something that he can see and feel.
HEAVEN, n.
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with
talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
while you expound your own.
HEBREW, n.
A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.
HELPMATE, n.
A wife, or bitter half.
HEMP, n.
A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of
neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open
air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
HERMIT, n.
A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
HERS, pron.
His.
HIBERNATE, v.i.
To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion.
There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of
various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the
whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is
admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean
that it has to try twice before it can cast a shadow.
HIPPOGRIFF, n.
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one- quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
zoology is full of surprises.
HIS, pron.
Hers.
HISTORIAN, n.
A broad- gauge gossip.
HISTORY, n.
An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are
brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
HOG, n.
A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and
serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews,
the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for
the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster
that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been
known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of
this dicky- bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not
discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.
HOMOEOPATHIST, n
The humorist of the medical profession.
HOMOEOPATHY, n.
A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science.
To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for
Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.
HOMICIDE, n.
The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
HONORABLE, adj.
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In
legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as
honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
HOPE, n.
Desire and expectation rolled into one.
HOSPITALITY, n.
The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain
persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
HOSTILITY, n.
A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the
earth's overpopulation.
HOURI, n.
A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make
things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence
marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a
soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient
esteem.
HOUSE, n.
A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat,
mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.
HOUSELESS, adj.
Having paid all taxes on household goods.
HUMANITY, n.
The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.
HUMORIST, n.
A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's
heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat- quick.
HURRICANE, n.
An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now
generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is
still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain
old- fashioned sea- captains. It is also used in the construction of
the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's
usefulness has outlasted it.
HURRY, n.
The dispatch of bunglers.
HUSBAND, n.
One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.
HYBRID, n.
A pooled issue.
HYDRA, n.
A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.
HYPOCRITE, n.
One who, professing virtues that he does not respect,
secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.