The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce

H

HABEAS CORPUS
A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.

HABIT, n.
A shackle for the free.

HADES, n.
The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris.

HAG, n.
An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus- hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag- that compliment is reserved for the use of her grandchildren.

HALF, n.
One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper.

HALO, n.
Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head- dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's tiara.

HAND, n.
A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

HANDKERCHIEF, n.
A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve.

HANGMAN, n.
An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered- the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.

HAPPINESS, n.
An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

HARANGUE, n.
A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.

HARBOR, n.
A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs.

HARMONISTS, n.
A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.

HASH, x.
There is no definition for this word- nobody knows what hash is.

HATCHET, n.
A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.

HATRED, n.
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

HEARSE, n.
Death's baby- carriage.

HEART, n.
An automatic, muscular blood- pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments- a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid.

HEATHEN, n.
A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

HEAVEN, n.
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

HEBREW, n.
A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.

HELPMATE, n.
A wife, or bitter half.

HEMP, n.
A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

HERMIT, n.
A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.

HERS, pron.
His.

HIBERNATE, v.i.
To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it has to try twice before it can cast a shadow.

HIPPOGRIFF, n.
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one- quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

HIS, pron.
Hers.

HISTORIAN, n.
A broad- gauge gossip.

HISTORY, n.
An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

HOG, n.
A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this dicky- bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n
The humorist of the medical profession.

HOMOEOPATHY, n.
A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.

HOMICIDE, n.
The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

HONORABLE, adj.
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

HOPE, n.
Desire and expectation rolled into one.

HOSPITALITY, n.
The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

HOSTILITY, n.
A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation.

HOURI, n.
A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem.

HOUSE, n.
A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.

HOUSELESS, adj.
Having paid all taxes on household goods.

HUMANITY, n.
The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.

HUMORIST, n.
A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat- quick.

HURRICANE, n.
An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old- fashioned sea- captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it.

HURRY, n.
The dispatch of bunglers.

HUSBAND, n.
One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.

HYBRID, n.
A pooled issue.

HYDRA, n.
A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.

HYPOCRITE, n.
One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.