DAMN, v.
A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the
meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is
believed to have been a term of satisfaction, implying the
highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke,
on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous
delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the
word jod or god, meaning "joy." It would be
with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion
conflicting with that of either of these formidable
authorities.
DANCE, v.i.
To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with
arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds
of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two
sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously
innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.
DARING, n.
One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.
DATARY, n.
A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose
important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words
Datum Romae. He enjoys a princely revenue and the
friendship of God.
DAWN, n.
The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to
rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with
an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then
point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and
old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The
reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it
has killed all the others who have tried it.
DAY, n.
A period of twenty- four hours, mostly misspent. This period is
divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day
improper-- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter
consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity
overlap.
DEBAUCHEE, n.
One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the
misfortune to overtake it.
DEBT, n.
An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver.
DECALOGUE, n.
A series of commandments, ten in number-- just enough to permit
an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to
embarrass the choice.
DECIDE, v.i.
To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over
another set.
DEFAME, v.t.
(1) To lie about another.?
(2) To tell the truth about another.
DEFENCELESS, adj.
Unable to attack.
DEGENERATE, adj.
Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The
contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it
required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the
heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never
tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days,"
which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread-- a
marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if
they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.
DEGRADATION, n.
One of the stages of moral and social progress from private
station to political preferment.
DEINOTHERIUM, n.
An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in
fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being
pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing
it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
DEJEUNER, n.
The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously
pronounced.
DELEGATION, n.
In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in
sets.
DELIBERATION, n.
The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
buttered on.
DELUGE, n.
A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins
(and sinners) of the world.
DELUSION, n.
The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm,
Affection, Self- denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other
goodly sons and daughters.
DENTIST, n.
A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls
coins out of your pocket.
DEPENDENT, adj.
Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are
not in a position to exact from his fears.
DEPUTY, n.
A male relative of an office- holder, or of his bondsman. The
deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and
an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his
desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives
off a cloud of dust.
DESTINY, n.
A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for
failure.
DIAGNOSIS, n.
A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and
purse.
DIAPHRAGM, n.
A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from
disorders of the bowels.
DIARY, n.
A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate
to himself without blushing.
DICTATOR, n.
The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism
to the plague of anarchy.
DICTIONARY, n.
A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a
language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary,
however, is a most useful work.
DIE, n.
The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there
is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals,
however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for
it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that
eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:
A cube of cheese no larger than a die
May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
DIGESTION, n.
The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is
imperfect, vices are evolved instead.
DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
DISABUSE, v.t.
The present your neighbor with another and better error than the
one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i.
To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if
possible, more objectionable than another.
DISCUSSION, n.
A method of confirming others in their errors.
DISOBEDIENCE, n.
The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
DISOBEY, v.t.
To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a
command.
DISSEMBLE, v.i.
To put a clean shirt upon the character.
DISTANCE, n.
The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call
theirs, and keep.
DISTRESS, n.
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a
friend.
DIVINATION, n.
The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds
as there are fruit- bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and
the early fool.
DOG, n.
A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the
overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in
some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the
affection of Woman, the place to which there is no human male
aspirant. The Dog is a survival-- an anachronism. He toils not,
neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon
a door- mat all day long, sun- soaked and fly- fed and fat, while
his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase the idle
wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant
recognition.
DRAGOON, n.
A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure
that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on
horseback.
DRAMATIST, n.
One who adapts plays from the French.
DRUIDS, n.
Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which did
not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.
Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny
says their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as
far as Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its
mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but
does not appear to have obtained any high preferment in the
Druidical Church, although his talent for human sacrifice was
considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves,
and knew nothing of church mortgages and the season- ticket system
of pew rents. They were, in short, heathens and-- as they were
once complacently catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the
Church of England-- Dissenters.
DUCK- BILL, n.
Your account at your restaurant during the canvas- back
season.
DUEL, n.
A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two
enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance;
if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable
consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life
in a duel.
DULLARD, n.
A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The
Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy
have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is
their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and
they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from
Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their
dullness having blighted the crops. For some centuries they
infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to
this day. In the turbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew
thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the
high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology.
Since a detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the
Mayflower and made a favorable report of the country,
their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion has been
rapid and steady. The
intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria,
Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly
moral.
DUTY, n.
That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along
the line of desire.