OATH, n.
In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the
conscience by a penalty for perjury.
OBLIVION, n.
The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling
and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold
storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet
their works without pride and their betters without envy. A
dormitory without an alarm clock.
OBSERVATORY, n.
A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their
predecessors.
OBSESSED , p.p.
Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and
other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now.
Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil
for every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were
frequently seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one,
but were finally driven away by the village notary, a holy man;
but they took the peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A
devil thrown out of a woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran
through the trees, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open
country was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire
he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a
soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the soldier into the water,
when the devil came to the surface. The soldier, unfortunately,
did not.
OBSOLETE adj.
No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which
some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an
object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a
good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is
good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude
toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary
ability as anything except the character of his work. A
dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be
singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add
large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who
might not happen to be a competent reader.
OBSTINATE adj.
Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and
stress of our advocacy.The popular type and exponent of obstinacy
is the mule, a most intelligent animal.
OCCASIONAL adj.
Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, however, is
not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase "occasional
verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as an
anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict us
a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no
reference to irregular recurrence.
OCCIDENT, n.
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
are the principal industries of the Orient.
OCEAN, n.
A body of water occupying about two- thirds of a world made for
man-- who has no gills.
OFFENSIVE adj.
Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of
an army against its enemy."Were the enemy's tactics offensive?"
the king asked. "I should say so!" replied the unsuccessful
general. "The blackguard wouldn't come out of his works!"
OLD adj.
In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with
general inefficiency, as an old man. Discredited by
lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an
old book.
OLEAGINOUS adj.
Oily, smooth, sleek.Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop
Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good
prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man
there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like
a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
OLYMPIAN, adj.
Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now
a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated
sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his
appetite.
OMEN, n.
A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
ONCE , adv.
Enough.
OPERA, n.
A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants
have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures
but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word
simulation is from simia, an ape; but in opera
the actor takes for his model Simia audibilis (or
Pithecanthropos stentor)-- the ape that howls.
OPIATE, n.
An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the
jail yard.
OPPORTUNITY, n.
A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
OPPOSE, v.
To assist with obstructions and objections.
OPPOSITION, n.
In politics the party that prevents the Government from running
amuck by hamstringing it.The King of Ghargaroo, who had been
abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred
of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws
for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party
of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully instruct them
in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the
first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly
displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if
they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their
heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves."What
shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions cannot be
maintained without a party of Opposition.""Splendor of the
universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is true these dogs of
darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost.
Leave the matter to this worm of the dust."So the Minister had
the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition embalmed and stuffed with
straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty
votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered.
But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated-- the
members of the Government party had not been nailed to their
seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put
to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of
artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the
people perished from Ghargaroo.
OPTIMISM, n.
The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including
what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything
right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those
most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and
is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.
Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof--
an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death.
It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
OPTIMIST, n.
A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.A pessimist
applied to God for relief."Ah, you wish me to restore your hope
and cheerfulness," said God."No," replied the petitioner, "I wish
you to create something that would justify them.""The world is
all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something-- the
mortality of the optimist."
ORATORY, n.
A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the
understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
ORPHAN, n.
A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial
ingratitude-- a privation appealing with a particular eloquence
to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the orphan
is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of
its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place.
It is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and
eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or
scullery maid.
ORTHODOX, n.
An ox wearing the popular religious joke.
ORTHOGRAPHY, n.
The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated
with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the
insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of
Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be
conceded hereafter.
OSTRICH, n.
A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has
denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have
seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good
working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously
pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.
OTHERWISE, adv.
No better.
OUTCOME, n.
A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of intelligence
that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom of an
act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal
nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that
the doer had when he performed it.
OUTDO, v.t.
To make an enemy.
OUT- OF-DOORS,
n.
That part of one's environment upon which no government has been
able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
OVATION, n.
n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who
had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser
"triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to
signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to
the hero of the hour and place.
OVEREAT, v.
To dine.
OVERWORK, n.
A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who
want to go fishing.
OWE, v.
To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not
indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of
debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets
and liabilities.
OYSTER, n.
A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the
hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are
sometimes given to the poor.