BAAL, n.
An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As
Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had
the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the
famous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly
erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our
English word "babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the
Sun- god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten
of the sun's rays on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is
still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served
with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom.
BABE or BABY, n.
A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition,
chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and
antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or
emotion. There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses,
from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of
seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the
child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf.
BACCHUS, n.
A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
BACK, n.
That part of your friend which it is your privilege to
contemplate in your adversity.
BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
BAIT, n.
A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best
kind is beauty.
BAPTISM, n.
A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in
heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is
performed with water in two ways-- by immersion, or plunging,
and by aspersion, or sprinkling.
BAROMETER, n.
An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
are having.
BARRACK, n.
A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is
their business to deprive others.
BASILISK, n.
The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg of a
cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many
infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator
saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a
punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom
Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's sight and
hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as
the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped
laying.
BASTINADO, n.
The act of walking on wood without exertion.
BATH, n.
A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship,
with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.
BATTLE, n.
A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that
would not yield to the tongue.
BEARD, n.
The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate
the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.
BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a
husband.
BEFRIEND, v.t.
To make an ingrate.
BEG, v.
To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the
belief that it will not be given.
BEGGAR, n.
One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
BEHAVIOR, n.
Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.
BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A
striking example of the essential identity of the two
tongues.
BENEFACTOR, n.
One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however,
materially affecting the price, which is still within the means
of all.
BERENICE'S HAIR, n.
A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one
who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.
BIGAMY, n.
A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will
adjudge a punishment called trigamy.
BIGOT, n.
One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that
you do not entertain.
BILLINGSGATE, n.
The invective of an opponent.
BIRTH, n.
The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it
there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born
from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a
block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers
that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy
water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the
earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a
cavern in Mount Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a
wine cellar.
BLACKGUARD, n.
A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of
berries in a market-- the fine ones on top-- have been opened
on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.
BLANK- VERSE, n.
Unrhymed iambic pentameters-- the most difficult kind of
English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much
affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
BODY- SNATCHER, n.
A robber of grave- worms. One who supplies the young physicians
with that with which the old physicians have supplied the
undertaker. The hyena.
BONDSMAN, n.
A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become
responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. Philippe of
Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute
nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be
able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give
you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?"
inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its
weight in gold."
BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BOTANY, n.
The science of vegetables-- those that are not good to eat, as
well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers,
which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- smelling.
BOTTLE- NOSED, adj.
Having a nose created in the image of its maker.
BOUNDARY, n.
In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the
imaginary rights of the other.
BOUNTY, n.
The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has
nothing to get all that he can.
BRAHMA, n.
He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and
destroyed by Siva-- a rather neater division of labor than is
found among the deities of some other nations. The
Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by
Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those
of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never
naughty.
BRAIN, n.
An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which
distinguishes the man who is content to be something
from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great
wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has
commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep
their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form
of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by
exemption from the cares of office.
BRANDY, n.
A cordial composed of one part thunder- and-lightning, one part
remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death- hell-and- the-
grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the
time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.
Only a hero will venture to drink it.
BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
BRUTE, n.
See HUSBAND.