UBIQUITY, n.
The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in
all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of
God and the luminiferous ether only. This important distinction
between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval
Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans,
who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were known
as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for
Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that
sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously.
In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood-- not
even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot
be in two places at once unless he is a bird.
UGLINESS, n.
A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without
humility.
ULTIMATUM, n.
In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
UN- AMERICAN adj.
Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
UNCTION, n.
An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in
touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of the
body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite
had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was
discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no
other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said
in anger: "Then I'll be damned if I die!""My son," said the
priest, "this is what we fear."
UNDERSTANDING, n.
A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house
from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have
been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant,
who lived in a horse.
UNITARIAN, n.
One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
UNIVERSALIST, n.
One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another
faith.
URBANITY, n.
The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in
all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the
words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with
disregard of the rights of others.
USAGE, n.
The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third
being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence
for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce
books that will live as long as the fashion.
UXORIOUSNESS, n.
A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.